LazyStupid In Love
by sweetiepye2
Summary: Jazmine's POV : What happens before and after the storm ? Will Jazmine figure it out , or will she give up on something she may need later ? Final Chapter UP
1. Chapter 1

_Hello world and all who inhabit it ! So I am sitting here on this beautiful Thursday night while all of my friends are attending a sweet 16 , which I was spose to attend , but parents love to take things away from you at the last minute ! So I decided to channel all of my energy into a banging hot story ! YES ! Because who doesn`t love a good story ! But , I hope you enjoy this one very much . I tried my best , and if it`s not good , leave feedback , hopefully not negative , but just leave it . I would GREATLY appreciate it so very much ! I love you all ! :)_

**_Disclaimer: I do NOT own the Boondocks . Sorry . _**

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_I d__on't know_

_It's not you, it's the ones who hurt me _

_And I just can't afford to be hurt again so..._

This was it. I couldn't be here anymore. It wasn't him, it was me. All of me. None of me was living in the present; it was living in the future. I had been too burned, and I just didn't want to risk heartbreak. It's been two years, and we have gotten nowhere. No conversation on marriage, kids, _our_ future. Nothing. Everything I worked so hard to protect had been broken in to, shattered, and destroyed. I just couldn't keep taking the blows, the bruises, the hits. They were pressing into my body and wearing my defenses. I just needed to get out of this mess.

_[Verse 1:]  
Hold on  
I'm not really trying to go through this again  
I'm not jumping up and down about lovin__g  
(Excuse me if) I don't want to dive back into that pool of love I'm done swimming (I'm good)  
See I don't feel like getting to know you (no)  
What you like to eat (no)  
And what you like to do  
See that's too much information to deal with  
play the love game with another (cuz I quit)_

I needed to tell him. I just needed to stop being so scary, and grow up. I'm Jazmine DuBois. The little, innocent girl who grew up strong, brave and ready to take on anything. Being in the ER taught you that. I was strong; I had seen some things most people couldn't dream of. Yet I couldn't say those two little words 'I'm done'. Why did those hurt so much? Because they told a story. They told the truth; hidden behind each word was a truth, a short story no one knew. Those words were eating me alive. They wouldn't let go, and they weren't going to let go until I latched on and stuck to them like glue.

_Don't wanna start over again  
Cuz I've had enough  
I don't wanna hurt again  
Sorry I give up  
already know what I'm missin  
Pain and heartach__e  
I'm tired of it cuz my eyes are staying dry now Don't wanna let another in  
Cuz I'm cool on that (cuz it might happen again)  
Got on top of that (and it keeps repeating)  
See that's insanity but I'm cured from this disease can you forgive me_

I needed one more day. Just one. I needed to sort my head, and think of all the things I wanted to say. But I couldn't. I couldn't wait anymore. My heart was hurting too bad. I just didn't feel like loving anymore. I was drained, waiting each and every day for a progression, yet it seemed like twelve steps backwards. It seemed to get worse; the fighting, the strain, the stress, all of it. I just needed to be on my own. I just needed some space, some place to think and be on my own. So why couldn't I say it?

_[Chorus:]  
Y__ou gotta forgive me  
I know it might sound crazy  
But right now my heart's a little lazy  
I'm tired of hookin up  
tired of caring  
I don't feel like loving you (feel like loving you)  
You gotta forgive me  
I know it might sound crazy  
But who knew love could be so training  
tired of hookin up  
tired of caring  
I don't feel like loving you (feel like loving you no more)_

'_Crap,'_ I thought. The tears were coming. Not those again. They were just another reminder of why the wall I had built was slowly crumbling around me. I couldn't keep a straight face anymore. Everything was breaking around me, I needed to get out. Out of me and him, out of us, we, they, them. I wanted it to be Jazmine, her, she, I, _me_. So when did that come? The sense of self and independence? After I got done ripping his heart out of his chest?

_[Verse 2:]  
Baby there's something that you gotta understand  
It's not your fault but I changed my plans  
And I've said that before  
but now it's different (I really mean it)  
Oh  
See the problem is that I've (I've)  
loved so hard and I've got to burn and im not  
goin down that road again  
Cuz I've found a different route_

I guess the growing he taught me, made me grow away from him. I never thought I would ever be without him. Everything I used to do would be surfaced around him. Now I was overly-excited to get out of the house. I couldn't even think for myself. Everything I did revolved around him. It was dangerous; I was a time bomb, just ticking away. And now that I have finally diffused myself, I have to let go of the source, the trigger: him.

_Don't wanna start over again  
Cuz I've had enough  
I don't wanna hurt again  
Sorry I give up  
already know what I'm missin  
Pain and heartach__e  
I'm tired of it cuz my eyes are staying dry now Don't wanna let another in  
Cuz im cool on that (cuz it might happen again)  
Cuz I've got no time for that (and it keeps repeating)  
See that's insanity but I'm cured from this disease can you forgive me_

He was everything I wanted in a guy, and needed occasionally. But he was what I needed when I was sixteen, eighteen, even twenty-one. I can't keep letting him be the reason I stayed home some nights when I wanted to go out, the reasons I would cry at night when he wouldn't come home because he was out 'at late night business meetings'. I knew he was screwing her. She was just so willing to give it up to him because he was CEO. She thought if she gave him a part of her, he would leave and take over the world with her. Well she got her wish, because he doesn't need me. I'm done with him. I don't want to love something that's destroying me. I don't want to love him anymore.

_[Chorus:]  
Y__ou gotta forgive me  
I know it might sound crazy  
But right now my heart's a little lazy  
I'm tired of hookin up  
tired of caring  
I don't feel like loving you (feel like loving you)  
You gotta forgive me  
I know it might sound crazy  
But who knew love could be so training  
tired of hookin up  
tired of caring  
I don't feel like loving you (feel like loving you no more)_

My friends told me the pain would be temporary, that I would cry some days because it would be hard. But I don't think I can cry over him anymore. If he knew how many tear stained sheets I washed before he came home, he would have thought I was dehydrated. It was ridiculous. I kept to myself, because I was afraid that if I started, I wouldn't stop. I wouldn't be able to stop the words that would come flying out of my mouth, spitting fire on everything. They would trample him, smash him, and murder him. So I held them in, kept them ready for battle, and waited until they were well trained before I sent them on their way. I felt sturdy and stable. I felt ready to fight, but I was so sure I was going to lose.

_[Bridge:]  
I hope you understand  
I mean I wanna love again  
I just can't do this no more  
I'm sorry_

I couldn't believe it was now. The time felt so perfect. If I didn't say it now, I would be trapped, stuck in this house. This image he and I built on the outside. He was falling apart just as fast as I was, but he wouldn't say it. His damn pride got in the way; it pulled all emotion out of him. Communication was the worst. If he didn't agree, or if I was getting too deep, it was all wrong. He didn't care about things outside of work. He didn't want to meet my friends, come to my award dinners, or simply read my medical entries. He acted so tired all the time, like the screwing around he did with her was wearing him out. He made me feel disgusting. We hadn't had sex in months, because he 'didn't want to be worn out before work'. Ha, that was when I knew, he had found someone else. Well, he thought I didn't know, but I did. And when he found someone else, so had I. I had confided in someone who would listen, who cared, and who was just always a phone call away. Two can play at this game, yet only one can win.

_[Chorus:]  
Y__ou gotta forgive me  
I know it might sound crazy  
But right now my heart's a little lazy  
I'm tired of hookin up  
tired of caring  
I don't feel like loving you (feel like loving you)  
You gotta forgive me  
I know it might sound crazy  
But who knew love could be so training  
tired of hookin up  
tired of caring  
I don't feel like loving you (feel like loving you no more)_

"Jaz, dinner's ready," he yelled from downstairs.

"Okay, be there in a sec," I shouted back.

Tonight would be the night, the night I win the war.

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Ehh , was it alright ? I hope so . So there will possibly be a continuation , but it will only contain one more chapter . It will be discontinued after the next chapter , so don`t get your hopes up too high only to have them destroyed , but I did warn you though ! But leave those comments , and keep reading ! Happy Boondock - ing ! (well at least it sounds cute when they say happy simming . ) :)))

~Kacey .


	2. Stupid In Love

_MY PEOPLE ! Haha , yes . I am back . For those of you who missed me . *gives death glares* You all DID miss me right ? Good, I thought so ! Haha , anyway , this chapter is short , forgive me . And it`s very dark and depressing . Which was hard for me to right . I`m not the depressed type . I`m pretty bubbly if I must say so myself . So I`m sorry for all of you dark people who felt it wasn`t dark enough . Bleh . Shove it up there , ohkay ? Haha , kiddn . . . to an extent. But anyway , love this story . Eat it . Breathe it . No , kiddn. Just read and COMMENT ! Thanks bee - yotches ! Muah !_

_Kacey (p.s. the song is Rihanna - Stupid in Love . . . listening to it while reading will give the better effect)_

_Disclaimer : I don`t own the boondocks. :)_

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It's been two weeks.

Two weeks since I walked away. Two weeks since I told him I couldn't do this anymore. Us anymore. He broke down in front of me. Telling me I had no integrity, no heart to just up and leave him. But with every insult he spit, it made me pack my bags faster, move harder, think quicker. I couldn't take what was healthy for me anymore. I was done. I just needed to learn how to let go. Yet why did it hurt so badly?

_Let me tell you something_  
_Never have I ever_  
_Been a size 10_  
_In my whole life_  
_I left the engine running_  
_I just came to see_  
_What you would do if I_  
_Gave you a chance_  
_To make things right_

I never wanted us to end. I didn't want to walk away from what I had spent half of my life building. From living across the street from each other, to graduating from high school together, to just simply being in love. Where had it all gone? What did I miss in the handbook? Had I overlooked everything? Maybe Huey was right when he said someday my naïve character would catch up with me.

_So I made it_  
_Even though Katy_  
_Told me this would be nothing_  
_But a waste of time_  
_And she was right_

I cried. Hard. Long hours were spent in the corner curled up like a child. I was lost without Huey. I was lost. But I wasn't dumb. I wasn't blind to what he had been doing to me. I may have been stupid, but I wasn't stupid in love.

_Don't understand it_  
_Blood on your hands_  
_And still you insist_  
_On repeatedly trying_  
_To tell me lies_  
_And I just don't know why_

I spent so much energy drained, waiting for his answer. I asked him about marriage 3 months ago. He laughed in my face, saying marriage was for people who wanted to sell their souls. He couldn't see the bonding and the tie two people gave to each other when they were in love. He was so oblivious to everything around him. I couldn't reach him if I tried. I just gave up on love. I gave up on him. I gave up on us.

_This is stupid_  
_I'm not stupid_  
_Don't talk to me_  
_Like I'm stupid_  
_I still love you_  
_But I just can't do this_  
_I may be dumb but_  
_I'm not stupid_

My mother and I went to dinner last night. She was so disappointed I had allowed myself to get so low. I was disappointed to let her see me that way. My eyes were red, my face was pale, I had lost my appetite. I was hiding out from the world. Shielding myself from hurt, the truth, deception. When I secretly knew it would be bound to catch up with me soon. I was afraid. I was cold. And I was hurting.

_My new nickname_  
_Is you idiot_  
_(Such an idiot)_  
_That's what my friends_  
_Are calling me when_  
_They see me yelling_  
_Into my_  
_Phone_

Cindy told me I was stupid. I knew she was right. It started one year after Huey and I moved into our apartment. He became angry. He hit me, tossed me around. Yet I stayed. Every night I cried, yet every morning I awoke with a smile on my face. I was happy, right? I had a boyfriend that loved me, even if he couldn't show me in the best way possible. I had a life, a good life. I could have been dead or waking up alone. But I wasn't. I was happy. I knew it. Yet when Huey found out about our child, he lost it. He blew up on me. He hit me, and that night I miscarried.

_They telling me let go_  
_He is not the one_  
_I thought I saw your potential_  
_Guess that's what made me dumb_  
_He don't want it_  
_Not like you want it_  
_Scheming and cheating_  
_Oh girl, why do you_  
_Waste your time_  
_You know he ain't right_

I hadn't been the same since that incident. I thought a pregnancy would bring us closer together. I thought it would help us to become whole again. I thought it would stop the bruises, the nosebleeds, the loud screams. But it didn't. It only made them worse, made him angrier. He became more distant, calling me a slut, whore, skank. Saying the baby wasn't his. Unlike him, I stayed faithful. No matter how hard it was.

_Telling me this_  
_I don't wanna listen_  
_But you insist_  
_On repeatedly trying_  
_To tell me lies_  
_And I just don't know why_

My coworkers caught the bruises, but I made up excuse after excuse to save his sorry ass. I should have stopped, should have known better. It wasn't healthy. Nothing about our relationship was healthy. We couldn't even talk to each other without screaming or throwing something. I wanted this to go well. I wanted to marry him, to call him my husband. I just wanted us. Oh no, not the tears. Please, just not now.

_This is stupid_  
_I'm not stupid_  
_Don't talk to me_  
_Like I'm stupid_  
_I still love you_  
_But I just can't do this_  
_I may be dumb but_  
_I'm not stupid_

How many days would it be before the scars healed? Before the tears stopped forming whenever I said his name. When I could stop feeling so disgusting? I was a disgrace. I was a misfit. I didn't belong here. No one deserved to have to look at me and continuously feel sorry for my mistakes. I should have known, should have take care of myself on my own. I'm a big girl. I can dry my own tears, fight my own battles. But why was I still losing?

_Trying to make this work_  
_But you act like a jerk_  
_Silly of me to keep_  
_Holding on_  
_But the dunce cap is off_  
_You don't know what you lost_  
_And you won't realize_  
_Till I'm gone, gone, gone_  
_That I was the one_  
_Which one of us_  
_Is really done_

I say these words to protect myself from future damage. From later obstacles. From him. I don't want to be another victim, living in fear that he would come after me. I just wanted to be free. And I knew the only way to do that. No matter how painful, I had to release the emotions, the fear, the hurt.

_Ooh_  
_No_  
_No_  
_No no_  
_I'm not stupid in love_

'_Jazmine, you're not stupid. Don't let what one person has done to you determine the way you live your life. Someone needs you. He needs you. He just doesn't know it yet.' _

_This is stupid_  
_I'm not stupid_  
_Don't talk to me_  
_Like I'm stupid_  
_I still love you_  
_But I just can't do this_  
_I may be dumb but_  
_I'm not stupid_

I can cry, I can scream, I can yell. But I can't keep putting on this face of love when I only feel hatred. I can't keep feeling this way, this life is getting too hard. I need to move forward. Yet to move forward, there is only one way out. I have to get out. To show him that I'm smarter than what I lead to believe. I may have been dumb, but I wasn't stupid in love.

_I may be dumb but_  
_I'm not stupid_  
_In love_

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Omg , so yes . this is the end . :( so sad . no one is gonna suck me into finishing this one this time . lol . enjoy it ! :))) and comment darlings !


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